Mary lives in small town with her sons, me and my brother Davide.
She wrote this diary page in 2011 when the cancer took the life of her husband: Carlo.
31 August 2011
Today I start the diary of the things I don’t want to say.
Well... When should we start from? From the 11th February this year? No, let’s start from today, six months after we’ve met the cancer.
Who is the cancer? It’s the one that when arrives, or better to say when you realize it’s there, becomes the owner of your life. It was already there, but you didn’t know that.
It became the owner of Carlo, of me, of my sons and of the rest of my family.
What does it do? The cancer takes control of you, it tells you when you can or can’t do even the easiest thing.
What do I think about it? Fear. Fear every day because I see Carlo and I know who was before and who he is now.
Now, he’s a man with a deep breath, sometimes short.
He’s the man that doesn’t make me sleep at night, or wakes me up because his nerves tremble.
He’s the man that feels sorrow when he can’t feel the taste of food anymore.
He’s the man I love, the man who’s feeling pain without screaming, he’s the man that used to protect me, but who needs protection now... He’s my man, my mind, my heart, my way of being.
I’m with him everyday and I still want millions of days with him, I’m quiet when he’s with me, less when he’s not.
How can I bring him serenity, how can I give him security, how can I hide my fears... how can I do that? I don’t know.
I lived my life under his shadow, It won’t be forever.
Living with the idea that death lives always with you, any moment it a stretch its hand and take you in a second. It can consume you.
Death is a part of life, but being able to accept it is not easy.
In November 2011 Carlo died.